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I think I figured out why I was so upset with my kid.
On his birthday, when we were taking his little one to her soccer game, he began to attack me in front of her for what sort of parent he felt that I'd been when he was a kid.
She is only 7, but incredibly sophisticated for her age, and she tried to stop him.
He laughed her off.
I got thinking about it and realized that he and I could have a conversation about this, but the time and place was wrong. He was attacking her in a subtle way for loving her grandma, and he was blindsiding me by attacking when he knew I could not respond.
And I got thinking about Thursday night tickle fights and making their beds, and ironing their clothes, and fighting with their dad because he withheld things from them because he didn't feel they were worthy. Not because we couldn't afford it, or they hadn't been good. But because they hadn't been his idea of award winning children. Their dad, my first husband (who I thankfully cut off contact with) used money like a club on us. When I refused to let him batter me and them any more, he met someone else, and then moved out (in that order).
To me, my kids where wonderful. They were amazing and unprecedented. There were simply no others that could touch them.
That's the other problem... after years of comforting them, protecting them from their dad, loving on them, caring about them, fighting until I was emotionally exhausted for them, they've both turned on me because of my imperfect skills.
______________________
I haven't been sleeping well. I get to bed between 2 am and 4 am and can't wake up in the mornings. If I manage to get myself awake, I'm incapable of doing anything more than going back to sleep for a while. I know it's depression, but I absolutely loathe this manifestation of it. "Sleeping late" is frightening to me. It infers that I'm lazy and unmotivated, and have no self discipline. It's deeply embarrassing.
I absolutely have to wake up tomorrow because I slept in today and didn't get my car registration and plates, and will have to take Dean to work, and get myself to my cleaning job. The woman I clean for bought me a car. I, somehow, without breaking the rules I live by, have to get the car and claim it as mine.
_____________________
This is the first car I've owned in many, many years. The first in my name, and it's the first time I've taken this responsibility as seriously as I am. It's got to run, and if I have problems with it, I have to be sure I have prudent reserve set aside for repairs. When it's had enough, I have to be the one to buy the next one. There will be no more living off the good grace of others in my life.
My goal, the thing I've been thinking seriously about, is something I heard in a group I belong to.
"Self supporting through our own efforts".
I was raised to feel that only a man could take care of me, that women were incapable. I internalized this for years. I am just starting to break away.
I want my autonomy. I want to be self supporting through my own efforts. I want to be responsible for my own car, insurance, home (to the limit I can be). I want to live or die by my own hand, and stop waiting for the knight in shining armour to come. He's already here. He's inside me.
On his birthday, when we were taking his little one to her soccer game, he began to attack me in front of her for what sort of parent he felt that I'd been when he was a kid.
She is only 7, but incredibly sophisticated for her age, and she tried to stop him.
He laughed her off.
I got thinking about it and realized that he and I could have a conversation about this, but the time and place was wrong. He was attacking her in a subtle way for loving her grandma, and he was blindsiding me by attacking when he knew I could not respond.
And I got thinking about Thursday night tickle fights and making their beds, and ironing their clothes, and fighting with their dad because he withheld things from them because he didn't feel they were worthy. Not because we couldn't afford it, or they hadn't been good. But because they hadn't been his idea of award winning children. Their dad, my first husband (who I thankfully cut off contact with) used money like a club on us. When I refused to let him batter me and them any more, he met someone else, and then moved out (in that order).
To me, my kids where wonderful. They were amazing and unprecedented. There were simply no others that could touch them.
That's the other problem... after years of comforting them, protecting them from their dad, loving on them, caring about them, fighting until I was emotionally exhausted for them, they've both turned on me because of my imperfect skills.
______________________
I haven't been sleeping well. I get to bed between 2 am and 4 am and can't wake up in the mornings. If I manage to get myself awake, I'm incapable of doing anything more than going back to sleep for a while. I know it's depression, but I absolutely loathe this manifestation of it. "Sleeping late" is frightening to me. It infers that I'm lazy and unmotivated, and have no self discipline. It's deeply embarrassing.
I absolutely have to wake up tomorrow because I slept in today and didn't get my car registration and plates, and will have to take Dean to work, and get myself to my cleaning job. The woman I clean for bought me a car. I, somehow, without breaking the rules I live by, have to get the car and claim it as mine.
_____________________
This is the first car I've owned in many, many years. The first in my name, and it's the first time I've taken this responsibility as seriously as I am. It's got to run, and if I have problems with it, I have to be sure I have prudent reserve set aside for repairs. When it's had enough, I have to be the one to buy the next one. There will be no more living off the good grace of others in my life.
My goal, the thing I've been thinking seriously about, is something I heard in a group I belong to.
"Self supporting through our own efforts".
I was raised to feel that only a man could take care of me, that women were incapable. I internalized this for years. I am just starting to break away.
I want my autonomy. I want to be self supporting through my own efforts. I want to be responsible for my own car, insurance, home (to the limit I can be). I want to live or die by my own hand, and stop waiting for the knight in shining armour to come. He's already here. He's inside me.
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